Tales of the Parodyverse

Post By

Sean McQuaid via HH
Mon Nov 14, 2005 at 05:26:57 pm EST
Subject
For Your Ice Only... [contains House of M and follow up spoilers and gratuitous Michelle Trachtenberg references]
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Some supercool spoiler space, as this touches on events in House of M and its follow-ups...

Blizzard
Blue Ice
Bora
Captain Cold
Celsius
Chill
Chillblaine
Chiller
Cold Turkey
Cold War
Cold Warrior
Cold Wave
Coldheart
Coldsnap
Comet
Cryonic Man
Endothermic Man
Equinox
Eye Scream
Freeze Demon
Freon
Frost
Frostbite
Frosty
Golden Glider
Hoarfrost
Human Icicle
Ice
Ice Giants
Ice King
Ice Princess
Ice Queen
Icemaiden
Iceman
Icemaster
Iceworm
Icicle
Ikthalon
Jack Frost
Kallusians
Killer Frost
King Kone
Martinex
Minister Blizzard
Mister Freeze
Paibok
Polar Boy
Polar Lord
Siberion
Silver
Snowfall
Snowman
Sub-Zero Man

IW: Some of you might know that a result of the ending of House of M, Bobby Drake, founder X-men, no longer has his mutant powers. Sean McQuaid isn’t taking this lying down…

Sean:
Iceman has always been one of my favourite X-Men, and one of my Marvel
favourites in general (though I haven't always liked some of the stuff
the X-franchise did with him from the 1990s onward). He's also one of
Marvel's most simple, accessible, iconic superhero concepts, both
elementary and elemental; and yeah, he had a bit more of a
regular-folks feel about him than most X-people (which is part of why
Havok and Polaris used to be faves of mine in the old days, too).



For Your Ice Only
-------------------

Bobby Drake:
I miss being super. Saving lives, making a difference, always having
cold drinks. Plus it turns out I'm a strictly mediocre accountant.

Doctor Rivera:
I see. So you've come to Project: PEGASUS for help because you used to
be a mutant? We get a lot of that lately, yes...you were some sort of
icy superhuman?

Bobby:
C'mon, Doc, I was *the* icy superguy! Surely you've heard of me...

Doctor Rivera:
Cold Warrior?

Bobby:
No.

Doctor Rivera:
Cold War?

Bobby:
NO.

Doctor Rivera:
Am I getting warmer?

Bobby:
ICE cold, Doc...

Doctor Rivera:
Frostbite?

Bobby:
No.

Doctor Rivera:
Silver?

Bobby:
No! No, I'm not a dead Chinese chick...

Doctor Rivera:
Siberion?

Bobby:
Oh come on, now you're just baiting me...no one's even heard of Siberion!

Doctor Rivera [chuckling]:
Sorry, Mister Drake, just a bit of cryo-superhuman humour...I've been
reviewing your case, actually, and we have some promising leads...in
particular combining certain Kallusian components with this discarded
Puppet Master robot...

Bobby:
Dear lord, it's hideous! And it looks like...like...

Doctor Rivera:
Rather disturbingly like a "love doll", yes...the Puppet Master is a
very lonely man; but his Ice Queen is also a miracle of refrigeration
technology. And we believe there's a chance of jumpstarting your
powers if you, how you say, couple with it, as in the accompanying
diagram...

Bobby:
Keep that thing away from me!

Doctor Rivera:
Okay, okay, kidding...well, mostly kidding...Sorel bet us twenty bucks
we couldn't get a mutant to do it with a robot, and darned if he
wasn't right...

Bobby:
What is WRONG with you people?!?

Doctor Rivera:
Hey...c'mon sport, no hard feelings...we've actually put together a
list of leads for you right here...bunch of cold-type people...maybe
one of them can help restore your powers.

Bobby [takes list]:
Well...thanks, I guess.

Doctor Rivera:
And hey, if that doesn't work out...[gestures toward the Ice
Queen]...what happens at PEGASUS stays at PEGASUS...




NEW SCENE: THE ARCTIC

Bobby:
Okay...according to the list, "the original iceman" should be right
around here...and if I'm reading this right, he's inside...

[A dormant gigantic ice worm bobs up to the surface, cracking through the ice.]

Bobby:
...a giant ice worm. Right. Okay then... [knocks on the ice worm's frozen hide]

[A door-like flap opens in the side of the ice-worm and Golden Age
hero Jack Frost leans out in the manner of a "bat-climb" cameo guest
star on the old BATMAN television show...]

Jack Frost:
Yes Virginia, there really is a Jack Frost!

Bobby:
It's Bobby, actually, Mr. Frost. Bobby Drake.

Jack Frost:
Please, call me Jack...I may be over sixty years older than you, but
"Mister Frost" makes me sound too much like an old man. And can we
speed this up? We're letting the slightly less frigid air in.

Bobby:
Sorry. Thing is, Jack, I used to have ice powers like you, only I
don't anymore, and I'm looking for ideas on how to get them back.
How'd you get your powers?

Jack Frost:
Well, you see, when a daddy Frost Giant and a mommy Frost Giant love
each other very much...

Bobby:
Whoa, stop, okay, enough--I'm still not over the Ice Queen. But what
you're saying is you're a mutant Frost Giant?

Jack Frost:
That's the popular theory. Truth to tell, I'm amnesiac, so I got no
clue. I could have been raised by frozen sea monkeys for all I know.

Bobby:
There's no such thing as frozen sea monkeys.

Jack Frost:
Says the man conversing with someone living inside a giant ice worm.

Bobby:
Touché...so what's up with that, anyway? It was some sort of heroic
self-sacrifice thing, right?

Jack Frost:
At first, yes, until I revived enough to steer us away from populated
areas. Now I'm just using the worm.

Bobby:
Using it? As what?

Jack Frost:
What else? Bait!

[as if on cue, an even more gigantic ice fish leaps up from the water,
swallows the giant ice worm and dives back below]

Jack Frost [faint shout of triumph from below]:
Yes! A lifetime supply of frozen fish sticks!

Bobby:
Okay...




NEW SCENE: AVENGERS TOWER LAB FACILITY

Bobby:
So you're like, what, an honorary Avenger?

Martinex:
Yes...just in visiting from the 31st Century, and the Falcon asked me
to help run some tests on Equinox here...

Equinox:
Hey Drake. No hard feelings about trying to kill you before and stuff, right?

Bobby:
Oh, hey, bygones.

Martinex:
You see, Equinox has heat-and-cold powers similar to mine, and by
studying his version of same we're hoping to gain insights into how we
can help his daughter Janet better control her own powers...

Bobby:
Peachy. Me, I was kind of hoping you might have some insights on how I
can get back my cold powers...

Martinex:
Yes, Jarvis told us earlier you were coming. Well, we might be able to
give you hot-and-cold powers like ours...

Equinox:
...but you'd have to join the hot-and-cold super union.

Martinex:
Which also means you'd have to change your name to something ending in "x".

Bobby:
Seriously?

Equinox:
It's a matter of hot-and-cold super-people pride.

Martinex:
That's what my father Malcomex always told me.

Equinox:
So we start your new life by choosing your new name.

Martinex:
Now and forever, the former Mr. Drake shall be known as...BOBBEESOX!

[pause]

Bobby:
You guys are just yanking my chain, aren't you?

Equinox:
Well, duh.




NEW SCENE: THE BAR WITH NO NAME

Ice Princess:
Yes, Mr. Drake, before joining the Femizons, I gained my powers by
sipping from the Cup of Endless Winter...

Bobby [who's had a few]:
Sipping, I can do that! Heck, I'm doing it right now! And your Cup of
Eternal Winter deal probably doesn't have a little paper umbrella in
it like this thing, so I'm less likely to suffer another senseless eye
injury.

Ice Princess:
Indeed. But as one might expect when bargaining with the denizens of
an underworld gathering place, there will be...a price.

Bobby:
A price?

Ice Princess:
A terrible price.

Bobby:
I can maybe do your taxes...

Ice Princess:
I will restore your powers to their former frigid glory, but you must
first help me hunt down and kill...the hated Michelle Trachtenberg!

Bobby:
Sorry, I thought I made this clear--no robot sex, and no murders. And
who's Michelle Trachtenberg?

Ice Princess:
EUROTRIP? BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER? You know, the infuriating little
Hollywood wench ruining my bad name with that insipid ICE PRINCESS
movie! Where have you been, Drake?

Bobby:
Pardon me for spending most of my time studying accounting when I
wasn't busy saving a world that fears and hates me, okay?

Icemaster [very drunk, plunking himself down in a chair at their table]:
Don't listen to her, kid. I'll teach you everything I know about ice
power if you can help me kick my tragic addiction to Hostess Fruit
Pies!

Bobby:
To what now?

Icemaster:
I know how it sounds, but it's true...I could have been boss of a
flash-frozen Earth by now if it weren't for those fricking pies...they
neutralize my powers...I think it's something in the preservatives. I
keep quitting, and the Crimson Cowl helped keep me clean for a while,
but I always fall off the wagon and boom, I wake up the next day all
thawed out with a faceful of real fruit filling.

Ice Princess:
You're drunk, Rozakis!

Icemaster:
It's all true, I tell you! And I swear, they lace all those Hostess
snack foods with addictive chemicals! It ain't just me! June Jitsu,
the Ricochet Monster, Legal Eagle, and like a dozen other guys in my
Hostess Villains Support Group, they all got the same problem! Heck,
do-gooders like Spider-Man used to carry around Hostess snacks in case
of emergency, just so they could throw them at us! It's inhuman!

Ice Princess:
Hostess Fruit Pies are manufactured by the Inhumans?

Bobby:
Check, please...




NEW SCENE: THE ICY OTHERDIMENSIONAL WASTELAND OF BOREAS

Ikthalon the Ice Demon:
Yes, mortal, I believe we can assist you...[conjures up what looks
like a comic strip page and hands it to Bobby]...please peruse this
illuminating picto-narrative, "The Insult That Made an Iceman Out of
Bobby".

[we zoom in on the educational cartoon strip, which begins with a beach scene]

Cartoon Bobby:
Hey! Quit kicking all that character/continuity wreckage in our faces!

Cartoon Zelda:
That Bendis is the worst nuisance on the Marvel Beach!

Cartoon Bendis [manhandling Cartoon Bobby]:
Listen here, skinny...shut your yap or I'll have my girl Scarlet Witch
do worse than depower you. Wanna end up like Hector Ayala or Scott
Lang? Just say the word, punk. [stomps away down the beach as
secondary characters scatter in terror]

Cartoon Bobby:
The big bully! I'll get even someday!

Cartoon Zelda:
Oh don't let it bother you little boy!

[later, at home, Cartoon Bobby assaults his furniture in a fit of
impotent rage]

Cartoon Bobby:
Darn it! I'm sick and tired of being a scarecrow!

Ebenezer Laughton, Jonathan Crane, Ray Bolger, Bruce Boxleitner and
the Straw Man [in unison]:
Hey!

Cartoon Bobby:
Shut up! [reading a magazine ad] Charles Ikthalon says he can give me
a powerfully icy body. I'll gamble a stamp, forfeit my immortal soul
and get his free spell book!

[much later, Cartoon Bobby admires his new frozen physique in the mirror]

Cartoon Bobby:
Boy, it didn't take Ikthalon long to do this for me! What icy muscles!
That bully won't shove me around again!

[later, back at the beach, Cartoon Bobby attacks Cartoon Bendis while
Cartoon Zelda looks on admiringly]

Cartoon Bobby:
What! You here again? Here's something I owe you! [encases Cartoon
Bendis in solid ice from the neck down]

Cartoon Bendis:
The hell?

Cartoon Zelda:
Oh, Bobby! You are a real Iceman after all!

Marvel Beach Crowd [in unison]:
HERO OF THE BEACH!

[we zoom back out away from the cartoon, to the real-life Bobby and Ikthalon]

Bobby:
Okay, first off, this is seriously messed up. Second, how the hell do
you know Zelda? And third, don't think I didn't notice that "forfeit
my immortal soul" part.

Ikthalon [breezily dismissive]:
It's a standard clause...

Bobby [exiting]:
Later, Ikky...



NEW SCENE: THE BIG APPLE STRIP CLUB

[An exhausted Bobby is drinking at the bar next to another skinny
brown-haired sad sack.]

Bobby:
God, what a day...say, aren't you Donnie Gill, the Blizzard? The guy
with the cold-generating costume who helped save New York?

Donnie [noticing Bobby's lean and hungry look]:
Uh, yeah...look, if this is a gay thing, I don't know why Speed Demon
started those rumours, but I'm totally straigh--

[Bobby bounces Donnie's forehead off the bar, smashes a beer bottle
over Donnie's head, shoves a half-conscious Donnie onto the floor, and
grabs the duffel bag containing Gill's Blizzard costume.]

Bobby:
Yoink!

Donnie [still on the floor]:
Aw, man...we just finished fixing that suit...

Bobby [shouting as he scoots away on an ice slide in the Blizzard costume]:
As God is my witness, I'll never be toasty again!

---------------------------

The End...for Now. But Robert Drake will return in...COLDFINGER!


-Sean




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